A Shower Essential

In my lifetime, I have thrown a lot of baby showers.  And wedding showers.  But mainly baby showers.

Some of the hostesses and a very pregnant me at my shower here.

There is a constant at every shower I attend here in town.  When I am feeling a bit lackluster or antisocial, I can count on asparagus rolls to get me to that shower.  I have never had these wonders outside of Knoxville, so I might be introducing you to a treat which changes the way you look at baby showers forever.

I made asparagus rolls last week for Leigh's shower.  Normally, I might have been lazy and ordered a batch from the country club, but I was feeling industrious and gave them a whirl.  Super easy, these do take a chunk of time.  However, they are ideal to prepare in advance and have in the freezer.

From the Knoxville Junior League cookbook, Tennessee Tables, please enjoy Mrs. Walter D. Fain's Bleu Cheese Asparagus Rolls (with some minor updates).

Asparagus Rolls

Ingredients:

2 loaves white bread (Pepperidge Farm)

1 8 oz package cream cheese (room temperature)

1 4 oz package of blue cheese

2 eggs

1 package of frozen artichoke spears (steamed)

1/2 cup melted butter

Trim the crust from the bread and roll flat with a rolling pin

Combine the cheeses and the eggs, blending well.

Spread the mixture on bread.

Place on asparagus spear to one side of bread and roll up.

Dip the rolls in melted butter and freeze.

To serve, slice in half and bake 45-60 minutes at 350.

This will give you about 15 servings.  I doubled it, and made 30 servings for Leigh's shower.

Is there a traditional food in your neck of the woods at showers?

Orange is All Around

A good gameday always begins with a solid breakfast (especially night games, because who knows when I'll get a chance to eat again- too busy talking to eat!).

Toad  in a hole, and hazelnut coffee.

I popped over to my parents to pick up some orange sweaters for the game, and couldn't resist this guy hiding in the leaves.

Although Henry was camouflaged, Dixie wasn't hiding.  They loved all of your raves about rescue dogs as both of them were rescued from our local Humane Society. 

Scooted home and cleaned the house for our first house-guests, and got food ready for the tailgate- bacon crisps!  They disappeared in a minute at the tailgate- I've blogged about them last year. A club cracker sprinkled with Parmesan cheese and wrapped in half a piece of bacon.  They are deadly.  Especially to my waistline when I decided to eat all the slightly overcooked ones for "lunch".  Nutritional powerhouse for sure.

The trees were dressed and ready for the game in every shad of orange.  Days like Saturday remind me of my childhood and teenager-hood.  A group of children near of tailgate were jumping into a huge pile of leaves over and over again.  I was tempted to join them, but alas, my wool plaid miniskirt would not have been the best apparel for gleefully throwing myself into a muddy pile of leaves.

Our guest Alison and me chilling with Smokey.  The tailgate was full of old friends in town for the game, so there was lots of laughing, hugs and catching up.

Here's our house guests (stole this from fb, Alison)

I know that y'all know this, but I just love college football- the pageantry, the cheerleaders,band and drum major, oh, and the majorettes! All the players running out onto the field and the anticipation gets me everytime.  

In middle school, all of our guy friends were the coke boys.  You would hope that your crush would be slinging cokes and hot dogs in your parents' season ticket section so you could coyly buy a large coke and turn red and giggle (much to your father's chagrin). 

In high school, everyone congregated in section U-T to rebel and smoke cigarettes under the ramp.  Sometimes the older boys would give you sips of their doctored cokes, and you would act tough like you couldn't taste the bourbon, then try not to brag to your friends that you had illicit sips.

No matter the age, the best part of a night game in later fall is a warm touchdown frank.  Mmmmm.

That would definitely be the best part of the Vols' game.  At least they won the first quarter.  And the Dawgs won. 

Did y'all go to games growing up?  Hide and smoke cigarettes under the bleachers?

Besides Asparagus Pee, Why I Adore my Friends

So like so many of you lovely readers, my friends were distraught at the injustice of me not winning the Paula Deen contest (hee).  Please note the following e-mail conversation:

A.S.S.: Unfortunately, Slammer did not win Paula Deen's contest, but she did make a great showing!

Me: Yeah, suck it Paula Deen. You are now my nemesis.

Kara:  Did y'all know that she wears a wig???

Kinger: Um I told y'all my mom said she was a biatch!!!!

Lippie: hahaha, that's amazing info, kara! i am officially boycotting paula as of now.

Me: Well, I wear wigs on my eyelashes. *

Kara:  I mean, you'd think she'd at least pick a nice wig! Her latest "hairstyle" looks almost purple these days...

Lippie: i bet the blue peach pizza girl bribed paula with butter.

Me: Apparently they don't like drunk blonde girls. Paula is threatened- I could usurp her. And I'm younger and skinnier

Hess: (obviously not reading the entire chain): Yeah, her hair/wig looks more purple than gray.

Me:  Maybe if I had purple hair she would like me better. . .

*I wear fake eyelashes a lot.  Like every time I go out.  I may be peeved at Paula, but I can't be a hypocrite.

Poor Paula Deen.  She likely had no role whatsoever picking the finalists for this contest, and now she is a bewigged biatch.

Time to Get Personal

I have something to discuss with y'all today that is a bit intimate.




Pimento cheese.

Like chicken salad*, pimento cheese comes in a myriad of consistencies and mayo levels.  Quick confession- I adore mayonnaise.  I try to be healthy, petite and ladylike, and act like I couldn't just eat spoonfuls (especially if I had the metabolism of a teenager).  However, that's all a lie.  I love it, fat content and all.
That being said, I don't want either chicken salad or pimento cheese to be too mayonnaise-y, wherein lies the fault with most types that you buy at the store.  If you've never had homemade pimento cheese, I'm so sorry.  Once you do, you will never eat the store stuff again, I swear on your mama's grave!

So on to the recipe-

Grate one block of extra sharp cheddar, and one block white cheddar. Don't use the food processor, or pre-shredded, I promise.

If you use the pre-shredded stuff, your pimento cheese will fail miserably.  They put a preservative in that kind to prevent clumping.  Pimento cheese without clumping is something else entirely.  Plus do we really need anymore preservatives?

Hubs was out of town while I was making this batch, so the only little mouse to blame for sneaking the freshly grated cheddar into its mouth was me!

Next get one of those little jars of pimentos, and drain it.

Then mash those minters with a fork.  This is a crucial step- don't ask me why, but it affects both flavor and consistency, so if you want pimento cheese as good as mine- do it!

Next add half a block of cream cheese to the cheese and pimentos.  I cut in chunks to add the mixing process, because as usual, I have completely forgotten to let the cream cheese warm to room temp. Whatev, cream cheese.

Next up- mayonnaise!

Start with a couple of tablespoons, and stir.  Keep adding more til it gets to a consistency of your own personal preference.  I like about 5-6 tablespoons.  I use Duke's- it does not have any added sugar or HFCS, which is perfect because I abhor sweet mayo.  Hellman's is good too, but for pimento cheese I say Duke's all the way.

Next comes the seasoning and stirring- def some splashes of hot sauce, and a couple shakes of cayenne.  If I make "party in your mouth pimento cheese"  I add chopped jalapeño (the kind from the jar- fresh would overpower). Then stir!  Make sure to mush the cream cheese so it's integrated with everything else.

Here comes the hard part. 

Okay, it's going to taste damn good in it's current state.  But, if you let it sit, chilling in the fridge, all those yummy flavors are going to coalesce and get even better. I just drooled looking at this picture- must be time for supper around these parts.  So scrape it into a Tupperware (or adorable mini-casserole if you had th e foresight to register for one on the basis that it was darling).

With willpower and fortitude, cover and place in the fridge for couple hours.

Mmmmmm, on a cracker, on a sandwich, or even better, a grilled pimento cheese sandwich, or on top of a burger, in celery. . .the possibilities are endless.  My niece and nephew, who are notoriously picky, wiped out this batch this weekend, much to my utter delight.  Now I am starving for more though!


*Prefer shredded consistency to chunky, and if you put grapes or other fruit in it I will cry.  However, I will tolerate nuts.

Someone's In the Kitchen With Samma Faye

Spinach Artichoke Dip is one of my go to recipes- it's easy, accessible, and perfect for a crowd.  I love looking at cookbooks which I use frequently and seeing the splatters and stains on the pages from my cooking.  Is that weird?  Probably.

Anyway, this recipe is from Cooks Illustrated's The Best Make Ahead Recipe.  I highly recommend any of their cookbooks, especially if you are a nerd like myself and enjoy all the scientific testing that goes in to determine the best recipe possible.  Maybe that should be my career- the Spice and Sass Test Kitchen.  Hmmm, my hair does skew rather mad scientist at times, especially after sleeping with it wet.

First toss a pack of frozen artichokes with a splash of olive oil and salt and pepper.  Pop those babies in a 450 degree oven and roast for about 25-30 minutes, until the chokes are a touch crispy. Try to only pick off and eat the ones stuck to the aluminum foil, or toss an extra package on there for munching if you love artichokes like me.

While those are roasting, sauté a chopped onion and a couple of chopped cloves of garlic (or more- I am a fan of keeping any vampires at bay- if you're making this planning on making out with someone, maybe should keep it to 2).  If your married, or your potential make-out partner is a garlic fan- have at 3-4 cloves!

 Add one frozen box of chopped spinach- SQUEEZE all of the water of this in a colander with (several) dishcloths.  You can use paper towels, but you will use a goodly amount of the roll. Add the spinach to the onions and garlic and sauté away!

Let the artichokes cool a bit, then roughly chop them.

In a bowl, mix mayo, cream cheese at room temperature, Parmesan, lemon juice, thyme and red pepper together.  If you forget your lemons, like I have a tendency to do, you can sub a little white wine.  The acidity brings out the flavors of the spinach and chokes.  Add the spinach mixture and artichokes- I like to do this while they are warm because it helps soften the cream cheese, which I never remember to bring to room temperature.

Put in a baking dish- this pictured here is a triple recipe because it's for eighty people.  Cook at 350 for about 30 minutes.  Yum!  You can use reduced fat cream cheese and reduce the amount of mayo, or add some extra spinach if trying to be waist conscious.

Moving on to green beans.  I did a couple pounds of fresh, but they aren't really in season yet, and my desire to string enough beans for 70-80 people was rather nonexistent.  Allens to the rescue!

Here's the recipe, from Paula Deen.  I leave out the taters, because. . .I don't know, just not a fan.

Hubs was excited to have bacon Saturday morning- I just needed the grease to sauté the fatback in!

After the beans cook for a bit add the onion.

Then cook until delicious disintegration- but as Paula instructs "Don't drown the beans in chicken broth!"
Mine are drowning a bit here, but it all cooked off.

Also, in response to inquiries- I picked up my scarf when I lived in Africa in Zanzibar, so it's very special to me.  The floors in my parents' kitchen go through the foyer and hallways is Crab Orchard Stone (which is similar to flagstone).  I definitely want to put this in the dream house, because it's perfect for high traffic areas.  It doesn't show dirt (perfect for when my brother and I were small and we had four golden retrievers), it's easy to clean and it wears well. Oh, and it's really pretty!

Feeling a little Puffy

I woke up at 3 this morning, and could not go back to sleep.  The worst!  I finally gave  up at 4:30, and started cooking, then went to grocery and did a five mile run.  Now, I am crashing at the late hour of 8:30. 

Before I subside into a twilight sleep, I want to share with y'all a delightful  recipe.  Please keep in mind a) I do not bake b) I have the gas oven from hell (which I suppose all gas ovens are), and c) these have always scared me due to their inherent Frenchiness.

GOUGERES!
(aka cheese puffs, but I prefer to be fancy- after all they are for a pre-opera cocktail party)

Recipe and photo courtesy of allrecipes.com

Notes: These easy puffs are especially good made with strongly flavored, aged white English, Irish, or Canadian cheddar. We like to use an imported sea salt with pretty, crunchy crystals, such as fleur de sel, Halen Môn, or Maldon, but any coarse sea salt will work. The puffs can be made up to 1 month ahead and frozen; cool, then freeze airtight. Reheat thawed puffs, uncovered, in a 375° oven until crisp and hot, about 5 minutes.

Yield: Makes 48 puffs; 12 to 14 servings

Ingredients
1/2 cup (1/4 lb.) butter, cut into chunks
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
6 large eggs, beaten to blend
1 1/4 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese (see notes)
1 1/2 teaspoons fresh-ground pepper
Coarse sea salt (see notes)

Preparation
1. In a 3- to 4-quart pan over high heat, bring 1 1/2 cups water and the butter to a full rolling boil. Remove from heat, add flour all at once, and stir until mixture is a smooth, thick paste with no lumps. Add a quarter of the beaten eggs at a time, stirring vigorously after each addition until dough is no longer slippery. Stir in cheese and pepper.

2. Spoon dough into a large pastry bag fitted with a plain 1/2-inch round tip. Pipe in 48 equal mounds on two cooking parchment-lined or buttered 12- by 15-inch baking sheets. (Alternatively, drop dough on sheets in slightly rounded tablespoon-size portions.) Sprinkle each mound with a few grains of coarse sea salt.

3. Bake in a 400° regular or convection oven until dry and well browned, about 30 minutes. Serve warm

I sprinkled some more cheese on top for obvious reasons.  These little dudes are scrumptious.  Hubs (and, er, me) were getting into them so much last night, that I made a new batch this morning (at 4:30 A.M. because I am a crazy person).  Everything involved is usually in your fridge and pantry, and you can't mess these up.  Seriously- I'm sure I would have if possible.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed that "February's fury" as dubbed by the Weather Channel, does not prevent A.S.S. and her hubs from making it for their visit this weekend.

I need to see this lady so stupid February Fury better watch it, yo. 

Since Its Doghouse Week Here on Spice and Sass

Here is  Marley, dressed in his holiday finery as Reindog.  As you can tell by the gray around his mouth and eyes, this was an older wiser Marley.  You can see him as a young golden retriever here.

Well, as you can tell by his size, Marley liked to eat.  A lot.  His paw was as big as my hand.  In his younger days he had the agility which made his appetite quite a problem. Once my brother and I were super excited about a $12 piece of Brie stuffed with pine nuts and pesto, wrapped lovingly in puff pastry.  After patiently bakaing it, it was super hot, so we left it on the counter to cool for 5 minutes, and exited the room to remove ourselves from temptation.  Marley felt no need to wait for anything to cool.  The entire Brie was gone in about seven seconds.  I was depressed for about seven days- I really love cheese.

But that doesn't explain why Marley hates Christmas- it seems like he would like it- Santa Paws would come and bring him extra milk bones, his family is around, he gets to wear his reindog ears (well that might have something to do with his dislike).. . .

Marley hated the holidays because it brought back bad memories of the Hershey Kiss incident.

During the holidays, my mom used to put out big bowls of Hershey Kisses.  My little brother (who's probably 15, because I was around 18), and I are sitting in the living room listening to some Christmas music and checking out our loot after Christmas Eve church.  We get up to do something, and come back in the room.  I notice the huge bowl full of kisses (probably 2 big bags) is empty, and immediately start making fun of my brother "Hhahaha- you fat ass I can't believe you ate all those kisses" etc.  He vehemently denies eating the kisses.  Mystery.

We ask our parents who look at us like we have lost our minds.  Brother and I are looking high and low- did they spill somewhere?  There's no wrappers laying around. 

We look at Marley, who is grinning.  His grin is especially captivating, and his teeth sparkle . . .with aluminum foil wrappers!  That damn dog had eaten 2 bags of kisses, wrappers and all.  He hadn't shared with the three other goldens we had at that point, he ate the whole thing.  Himself.

So Mr. Marley had to go get his stomach pumped Christmas Eve around 11 o'clock at night at the emergency vet clinic in the hood.  Santa Paws gave him some definite lumps of coal that year!

Swag- in Cookbook Form (hurrah!)

So I have been participating in this networking/seminars class type thing called Introduction Knoxville. Our first session was all about Knoxville history, and yesterday's session involved local government and business. We toured Scripps Networks- home of DIY, Food Network, HGTV among others, then were treated to a panel discussion with the President of Scripps and Jim Ethier, the head of Bush's Beans. Okay, my spiel is over, you can deglaze your eyes.


Getting to the good stuff- our swag bags! The highlight was Ellie Kreiger's cookbook- The Food You Crave. I tore into the minute I got home.

The following recipes are high on my to-make list- perfect healthy nibbles for a snackster trying to lose 7 lbs.



Ingredients
8 ounces Italian style poultry sausage*
8 large basil leaves
12 pitted calamata olives, halved
24 grape tomatoes
24 (6-inch) wooden skewers
Directions
Cook the sausage according to the directions on the package and cut it into 1-inch rounds. Cut the basil leaves lengthwise into thirds.
Put an olive half about 1/3 of the way down onto a skewer. Then add 1 strip of basil, folding so it fits nicely on the skewer. Follow with 1 grape tomato and a round of sausage. Position everything on the end of the skewer so the skewer can stand up on its sausage end.








12 asparagus spears
1 1/2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
4 thin slices smoked turkey (about 1/4 pound)
12 chives, optional
Directions
Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees F.
Break the woody end off each asparagus spear and peel the outermost layer off the lower 3/4 of the spear with a vegetable peeler. Place asparagus on a large plate, drizzle with the olive oil and toss gently so the oil is evenly distributed. Slice each slice of turkey lengthwise into three strips. Wrap one strip of turkey around each asparagus spear, leaving the tips of the asparagus unwrapped. If using, tie a blade of chive around each wrapped spear. Place the wrapped asparagus on baking tray and bake for12 minutes, turning once.