Apr 16, 2012

My Shameful Secret

I was a smoker.

Now I am not.

Even though I have not smoked a cigarette in close to a year (unlike Jackie Kennedy here, I chose to not smoke while pregnant), it's hard to comprehend.

Honestly, although I know that it is disgusting, and have zero intention of reverting into a smoker, I miss it.  I love smoking cigarettes.  I'll probably start back up when I hit 75 (my designated age to quit watching my figure, and eat a pan of brownies and a boatload of Caesar salad every single day).  I started smoking when I was barely 14.  I quit when I was 29.  That means I was a smoker for a majority of my life.

 I miss the ritual and the social aspect (although smokers are becoming quite the rare breed- ostracized and shoved away far away from any action).

I miss smoking while sitting on a porch, drinking an early evening glass of wine and laughing about old stories with my friends.

However, I love not smelling like smoke.  I love not spending money on something that is both gross and awful for me.  I love not having to hide the fact that I smoke.  I mean, I'm a Sunday School teacher!  How can I set a good example while puffing away? (However, I am also a lover of drinking wine and telling inappropriate stories with my friends- smoking fits in quite nicely with that).

It actually wasn't too difficult to quit, as I only smoked while drinking.  Plus, you know, I was pregnant.  The possibility of hurting your unborn child makes it pretty easy.  Now that I am nursing Dell Harper I have further incentive to remain a non-smoker.  There is no point in starting back up, and all the reasons in the world not to. . .such a tacky habit.

I do miss it though.


  1. I used to smoke, too! I'm now one of those "born again non smokers" who shames others and loudly and obnoxiously coughs if I'm walking behind a smoker. Good for you for prioritizing Dell's health. Also? Thanks for inspiring me to hit my "eff it!" age - love that idea!!

  2. I'm the same way! Now, I cannot stand to be anywhere smoky, especially with a fresh blow dry. :)

  3. The hardest is watching Mad Men without smoking, AMIRITE?

    But really, I appreciate this post. Because yes smoking is horrible and nasty and whatever else, but GODDAMN is it fun. Which is why even as a former smoker (though only a legit smoker for like a year, and then the drunk smoker for a while longer), I will never judge a smoker. Because ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

  4. I totally relate to this post! I started smoking in college, as a lot of people tend to do, and waiting tables only increased the frequency (and then came being President of my Sorority which only increased the frequency even more!).

    When my husband and I met (ahem, in a bar) we were both social smokers. At that point in our lives we were going out every weekend and drinking quite a bit so smoking was pretty prevalent in our lives. As we got older, the going out decreased and so did the smoking. I still smoked a bit more than he did...it became a huge stress reliever for me. I loved that tingly sensation I would get from it. I then started smoking more and more and it became something I would instantly do as soon as I got in the car. I was miraculously able to continue exercising even though I was smoking.

    Then I signed up for my first half marathon and realized I had to kick the habit if I wanted to succeed. I was able to quit smoking but had to drop out of the race bc of a stress fracture, dangit.

    Now the tables have flipped...now my husband smokes more than I do. Granted, his moments are only when he is drinking and/or at a casino somewhere. Having a new baby and being post residency, he doesnt get those opportunities too often ;)

    I stopped smoking all together, even in those fun drinking moments. It stopped feeling all buzzy and just started tasting bleh. To be honest, Im a bit sad I dont get the same tingly sensations from it anymore. Im sure down the road, drunk with friends at an Alumni Football Event or one weekend in Vegas Ill have a couple, but I know it wont be as good as it used to be!

    And lastly (sorry for the long comment!), is it just me or can you drink more when you dont smoke? I definitely think the smoking increased the alcohol flow!

  5. I know i'm late but had to comment - i'm the same!! I started at 14 and quit at 29. In fact, I haven't had a drag or cigarette since July 9, 2011, 2 days after my 29th birthday! I was like I HAVE to quit before age 30! And of course before I start a family. I did the patch. Austin was a social smoker too -he's now 36 days smoke-free. We miss it - for pretty much every reason you said!! If I showed Austin this post we'd probably both say eff it and run outside and enjoy a cig but NO -we're in it to win it! :) But we miss it.... :)

  6. I am 62 yr old. I started smoking when I was in college. I've been married twice and both husbands were pack-a-day smokers like me. My parents were smokers, too. I watched my dad beat lung cancer only to have it return with a vengeance 15 yrs later and take his life. After 41 yrs of smoking, my husband and I both stopped cold-turkey ... one week before my father died. The list of reasons to stop is as long as my arm. The reasons to continue... there's really only one and it's weak: I liked it... sometimes. I had an appointment with my gynecologist 5 months after I'd quit. He walked into the examination room, looked at me and before I could say anything he asked "did you stop smoking?". I said, "why are you asking me that?" He said "because I don't smell smoke". WOW. When my kids were teenagers, they were asked all the time if they smoked. Neither one has ever smoked. But they smelled like they did and it was all because my house was saturated with the smell!! Every day I want a cigarette. The desire to smoke is often unprovoked and unexpected. It's still a struggle not to go near another cigarette. But I KNOW that quitting smoking is one of the best things I've ever done not only for myself, but for my family as well. And every time I want a cigarette, I think about my dad... and that's reason enough for me not to ever smoke again as long as I live.


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